Posted on by Tamara · 1 Comment

Broken Pieces

I just can’t today.

My heart is in a million pieces.

Our love was a treasure that strengthened our hearts and we lovingly dreamt of our forever together.

Now, I can’t hold your hand or snuggle against your chest. There will be no old and gray – rocking with you in our rocking chairs one day.

Kisses upon your closed eyes are now but a beloved memory, the last of their kind.

I honestly don’t know how in the world I will move forward. I know I must try, but nothing will ever be the same.

It’s left a void too big to not fall into; the loss of you.

I see you in everything. I hear you in the quiet and wonder if it’s really you or just my mind playing tricks on me.

Everything that I once had tremendous drive to accomplish, has fallen to the wayside of life, giving no allure at all.

My broken pieces, here they are. They are because of love.

What a gift we gave each other. The gift of true love.

You held me, I held you. You wanted me, I want you still.

The lump in my throat swells as the tears fall. Our used to be rhythms of life together don’t exist at all.

I am completely broken, but I feel like I am breaking still. Let the tears come, let them fall. I don’t fear them or feel the need to stifle them. I welcome them with open arms and a clean hanky in hand. I refuse to mask this pain. I must let it out, again and again.

The ebb and flow of emotion is a constant roller coaster without predictable progression. At times, I am stuck amidst the numb with a brain that can’t think through the fog. Soon, that is followed by an overflow of tears that have no limits to how long they fall. Other times, I am angry to be left in this life without you by my side. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t feel right. I really hate that you aren’t here.

I will look. I will try. I will seek. But for now, I will allow my broken pieces to fall to the ground. I will let all the broken parts of me grieve. One day, I know that the love of God will put me back together again. I don’t know how, but I know He will do it.

I’ve loved you.

I love you still.

I forever will.

Posted on by Tamara · 1 Comment

When things are hard…

Do we look within or look without?

Do we point the finger outward or in?

Do we choose to be angry or do we choose to be sad?

Do we even know?

When things are hard…It doesn’t always mean things are bad. The trials of life have a way of springing forth –

In time, out of them, can come so much beauty, so much joy.

Do we even see?

When I hear, then, do I seek to listen or do I speak?

Do I hear what is being shared with me at all?

Do I respond with a me focused statement or with a validating and compassionate response?

To be honest, at times, I do not know how to say the things in my heart. And, when it’s clear, even then – when shared out loud, I feel as though, at times, it just sits there; like a wave that rushes upon the shore, never returning to the waters of the ocean -clinging to the sand, waiting to be joined there by another wave.

Lingering there, it dries upon the land alone. Spoken it was, but somehow, still completely unknown.

Where do I begin?

The surface, it glistens –

But the depths are murky and hard to navigate.

Like the ocean deep, there’s so much more under the surface. Won’t someone come looking? The depths are left seemingly wanting. But how do we really know? They rarely are just stumbled upon. It takes intention to see what is below. It takes effort and skill to dive that deep.

It requires a sort of knowing – that there is something not naturally visible, but evident that it is there all the same.

You have to go deep to see.

This is true of the ones I love also. I want to go looking with a flashlight and find the parts that no one else has dared enough to see – in all that vulnerability – to just sit there with them…

I want to be a catalyst of love – see what is hidden in the dark being brought into the light and, through kindness and acceptance, be witness to the voids in the depths of them being filled with true love.

I want them to feel seen in ways they may never have been seen – through an entire lifetime of not knowing what it feels like to be this vulnerable.

It’s true, I want someone to find me there, too, sitting by myself, wanting to be found for who I am. In all my uncertainty and all my fear, with all the beauty that I keep here. I don’t want to hide here, alone. I want to be truly known. Loved for all the most difficult parts of me. Loved for all the parts that aren’t plain to see- hidden like treasure in the depths of me.

And if I’m being honest, there’s truly only one who knows me to the core. There’s only one who knows me now and before.

He knit me together in my mothers womb

He rose on day three from the tomb

He holds me close when I’m in need

He loves me and sees me, wholly and completely

The longing and need we feel to be seen and truly known by those we love most is very real. But God. We can come to Him with our hurting hearts and we can rest assured He will fill all that we allow Him to fill. We aren’t alone in this. He is always with us.

Today, I surrender all of me to you, God.

All of me.

I. Surrender. All.

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